Image from Maximum Fun.
This script is a work of fan fiction of The Adventure Zone: Balance, and has been generated by a machine learning algorithm. This script is in parody and intended to be spoiler-free. A special shout out to tazscripts for their awesome transcripts.
Warning! Mild TAZ: Balance Spoilers Ahead
<Griffin>: Uh, Della Reese kind of was like uh, wailing on him as he was outside. Uh, but his soulwood arm got caught in this fiery beam, and he is thrown back into the pile and he’s been restrained. And he looks up at you, Magnus, and you both kind of laugh, and he says,
<Della Reese>: [whispering] I don’t w— I don’t know who that was. It was… it was The Raven.
<Griffin>: And he puts his hand out.
<Travis>: I look at Klaarg the goblin!
<Griffin>: He just taps his hand out.
<Travis>: Oh no, Klaarg, you’re still holding his necklace.
<Clint>: [whispering] Let me—
<Magnus>: [whispering] Goodbye, Klaarg!
<Griffin>: Roll a D20 for me, Magnus!
<Griffin>: It’s 20, it’s your spellcasting modifier +2.
<Griffin>: So it’s— It’s 21.
<Magnus>: Oh, cool.
<Justin>: [indignant] Wow.
<Travis>: Hold on, th— Okay, 21 for sure.
<Travis>: Can I do a, uh, yeaance? Yeah! I think that Klaarg grabbed that thing and sold it. There’s like a gauntlet—
<Klaarg>: Oh, oh, I wonder who that’s for. Uhh, you ra— yeah, uh, it’s um, it’s uh, it’s been really hard—
<Magnus>: Yeah, for a hard thing.
<Klaarg>: It’s uh, it’s uh, it’s been really hard like, this is, I would say, a lot like less like a duty and more like a duty’s to nab the belt and help me catch the bad guys?
The Night of Taako
<Griffin>: A bright light flashes, and a column of light flashes, on the far wall opposite the entry gate into the town.
<Travis>: I duck.
<Griffin>: Okay, you duck out of the way as well.
<Taako>: I’ve got a question for you, Jenkins.
<Jenkins>: Yes, just general questions.
<Taako>: How many people are you talking to?
<Jenkins>: There are a few more, the ones that did the survey and wrote this… map.
<Taako>: So, I’m the ranger.
<Jenkins>: I mean, I know a lot about that.
<Taako>: Yeah, basic ranger stuff.
<Jenkins>: Yeah, those— those are the students here that I was bringing with me, when they told me about this artifact.
<Taako>: Oh, interesting, right, Kevin Kay!
<Jenkins>: Yeah. They told me some basic ranger stuff. So they gave me some, like… hand axes. Hand axes.
<Taako>: I wanna make a, uh, I wanna make a reconnaissance vision out of those.
<Taako>: I wanna make a vision of— well, where we are as a people where we are, ten years ago, I created that water feature that was causing these vines to grow back, and I saw a human girl carrying a lantern, and I went up on a rope bridge that a snake was in the air when I shot that arrow in the quarry.
<Magnus>: [fake cheerfulness] Nice.
<Taako>: Did you see—
<Jenkins>: The night of…
<Taako>: [laughing] The night of Taako!
<Jenkins>: [laughing] The night of Taako, that is where I’m at. I created that illusion, and used that knowledge to travel the world under the disguise of Magnus Burnsides.
<Taako>: [laughing] You didn’t just shoot a magic arrow into the sky?
<Magnus>: Oh, right!
<Jenkins>: Under the disguise of Magnus Burnsides—
<Magnus>: Now, Angus, is there anyone else in this room?
<Angus>: Uh, I mean, if nobody else is in the room but there are some other bracers on.
<Magnus>: Is there anyone else on the other end of the room?
<Angus>: Uh, no, nobody is about to blast us across the finish line. Everybody just gets a pass.
<Taako>: I’ll get – I’ve got some dope dope. On somebody, actually.
<Angus>: Okay, that’s gonna – it’s gonna be, on somebody’s bracer.
<Taako>: That’s wicked stylish.
<Magnus>: It’s gonna be wicked stylish, yeah I think super stylish.
<Merle>: It’s gonna be stylish, it’s wicked stylish yeah, somebody wears it to an anarchist gathering.
<Justin>: It definitely is, beloved.
<Magnus>: Well, it turns out that doing things is not as fun as one might first first first imagine, and that it can be used as a stepping stone to other, uh, other bracers.
<Angus>: I don’t know how I did it, I think you guys are deeply connected, my friends, their creativity is important, but uh… I just had a conversation with somebody in another dimension, I just thought that would be the way to go, but I had a pretty good shot at solving the puzzle when I heard your story.
<Magnus>: What happened to your soulwood eye?
<Angus>: I’m super high and I’m a high elf, I guess low and I’m a necromancer, I should say…
<Magnus>: Holy shit, high and low?
<Merle>: Holy bush.
<Griffin>: You’re clerking over all these questions, you’re actually doing a lot of stuff just to sort of put this untimely arm around the wheel.
Punching Richard Nixon
<Justin>: See? That’s what that means.
<Travis>: [seductively] Cool cool.
<Justin>: And Richard Nixon was the first one I wanted to punch.
<Clint>: [overlapping] The first one.
<Justin>: Well guess what? He blow- [stuttering] the- the- the- fuck did!
<Clint>: [overlapping] I would punch- I would punch him the wrong direction.
<Griffin>: Okay, you hit the right sort of button, right? And you sort of knock him back a little bit, and you- you punch him into… the wrong room and you punch him back into the white space.
<Justin>: And then I come back and I hit the Escape.
<Travis>: Well, it depends on which plane he lands in.
<Griffin>: The one you landed on.
<Travis>: The one that I went to Hell on.
<Justin>: The one that I went to hell and back.
<Griffin>: Yeah, that’s the one that you landed on.
It’s your Catchphrase
<Griffin>: and I’m assuming you’re all wearing— wearing… wearing the Phoenix Fire Gauntlet… to celebrate The Girl From Ipanema speaking?
<Justin>: Well, yeah, I had… fantasies about it.
<Griffin>: It’s all hoop, dad, it’s all hoop for you, folks.
<Justin>: I, [giggling]
<Clint>: On the gauntlet, it says “from I’m the Most Grimbody to A.J. Plinkett,” which is a lot to behold.
<Griffin>: Uh, okay, well, then what do you do?
<Clint>: Well, I’m with you, my friend.
<Justin>: Wait a minute, okay. No no no no no…
<Clint>: I’m with her.
<Taako>: Hey, but can I ask your catchphrase first? Can I see the lady?
<Justin>: [laughing] No no, just-
<Taako>: Hold him to it.
<Taako>: It’s your… catchphrase!
<Magnus>: Yeah, I know. But I think this is the last you’ll see of this guy anyway. I tried to offer Barry something to eat, but he’s just like, off, he’s like on a diet. And I tried to offer him a drink, but he won’t drink anything unless he drinks this weirdo koozie. And he also won’t drink anything unless he drinks this weirdo tea. And I’ve been messing with his tea! It’s delicious, but it makes him crazy. So if Barry has figured out how to make this tea, it’s because he has been doing it for a very long time. And like, I can’t drink it, I’m not crazy about the idea of it. Um, but I think he’s kind of— I think he’s maybe a little bit afraid. I can’t tell if he’s afraid of the dark, because I don’t think he’s been inoculated, but I think he’s kind of afraid of the dark.
What are you doing?
<Lucas>: Boys, I— I didn’t think that you’d ever see again, but here you are. And, I guess I’ll reveal to you something about yourself now.
<Justin>: Yeah, I can hear that.
<Griffin>: He says:
<Lucas>: I’m going to need you to do me one last favor.
<Travis>: [sarcastically] Oh, boy.
<Merle>: Do you need any bread, or— any— any milk, or anything like that?
<Lucas>: I do, I do. Can I get you some… some… any water?
<Merle>: Yeah, you can get some water. You can get some water.
<Taako>: I can get you some water. I can get you some—
<Lucas>: Taako! What do you think you’re doing?
On the Train to Orlando
<Announcer>: [singing] On the train… To… Orlando! [but with a Scottish accent] Oh, auntie, no, you gotta go to bed! It’s a dark trip to Elfington! Hey, what’s a dark trip to Elfington? Elfington, our very own Stevenage! Don’t miss it this week! A trip around the loop! Two trains on the loop! Ha ha ha!
[theme music (Déjà Vu by Mort Garson) plays]
Enjoy your Nosh
<Angus>: I hope you enjoyed your nosh before you came here, it’s uh, it’s going to be a little bit spicy, but I’m sure you’re gonna enjoy your nosh.
<Taako>: It really was – it was spicy!
<Griffin>: Uh, and I think you might be able to take a little heat damage.
A billion little eyes
<Griffin>: I’m Michael Gambon.
<Travis>: And this is my Twitter. I don’t know why I said— why I said— I don’t know the words to the song, but that’s what I did. I did an imitation of the song Pretty Woman.
<Justin>: I hope everybody’s having a great time at the spa. [Clint laughs]
<Griffin>: Yeah, sure! Have you been to the spa?
<Travis>: Yeah! I went to the spa and it was amazing.
<Taako>: It was amazing— I didn’t realize how amazing until I came back down. It was amazing.
<Magnus>: It was— well, it was a dumb idea.
<Merle>: It was a dumb idea, but it was very relaxing.
<Magnus>: It was a dumb idea that ended up being good.
<Taako>: Yeah, that’s the good stuff.
<Merle>: I don’t get what we’re doing here.
<Taako>: We’re just going— we’re going to the— we’re going to the spa.
<Griffin>: [Crosstalk] Oh, by the way, I should mention this, too. You’ve got glowing yellow eyes. You’ve got, like, a billion of them.
<Travis>: A billion? Oh, that’s a bad situation.
<Griffin>: That’s a bad situation for you.
<Clint>: Aw, dang it.
<Griffin>: But you’ve got— you’ve got—
<Travis>: And you have gills.