Note: This script was generated by a computer. It does not reflect the actual views of My Brother, My Brother and Me, or the McElroy’s. Let’s just have fun with it.

<Intro (Bob Ball)>: The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he’s a sex-pert, but if there’s a degree on his wall, I haven’t seen it. Also, this show isn’t for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What’s up, you cool baby?

[Theme song]

<Justin>: Hello everybody and welcome to My Brother, My Brother, and Me, an advice show for the mod-ren era. I’m your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

<Travis>: I’m your middlest brother, Travis McElroy.

<Griffin>: I’m your sweet baby brother and 30 under 30 media luminary Griffin McElroy.

<Travis>: I’m a middlest.

<Griffin>: I’m just a regular guy.

<Travis>: How are you all?

<Griffin>: I’m fine. Um, I’m in a weird place right now.

<Travis>: Okay.

<Griffin>: Um, I have been on the cusp of the final— of a final decision for the past month in which I have made a decision regarding the next four years with my adult life. I have decided that I would like to try and do a four-year stint in the music business.

<Justin>: Oh, Jesus.

<Griffin>: It sounds really good. I’m gonna do it.

<Travis>: Justin, you’re not gonna do it. You’re so excited about it. But it sounds like there’s a lot of roadblocks in the way.

<Griffin>: Yeah.

<Justin>: Um, it’s so good.

<Travis>: You just have to let it out.

<Griffin>: I’m just gonna let Justin—

<Justin>: Do it.

<Griffin>: Let it out. Let it—

<Justin>: Let it out.

<Griffin>: Let him out.

<Justin>: [laughs] Please don’t let it out.

<Travis>: You are not in control of your destiny.

<Griffin>: That’s not true. But I’m not talking about my ability to do- my ability to be a musician, to become a musician by pursuing a career in music. I’m talking about the possibility of me doing both at the same time. My ability to be a musician in that capacity, is what I’m talking about. I’ll do both if I had the opportunity to pursue that. What I’m saying is, I would like to try to do both at the same time.

<Travis>: Yeah.

<Griffin>: I don’t want to do anything with my life to do with my time. My time is gonna be so much better with the two of them combined. I would like to take that time to just do both, and-

<Travis>: And then I would like to be a part of like an indie rock band or like a soul-inspired band.

<Griffin>: Well, and I would like to do a band that’s like a funk rock band that’s like, the bassist’s like, and it’s like, you guys are so cool, and you’re all cool, and we’re all chill. And it’s that type of thing. I’m gonna do that.

<Justin>: I would be really into putting a bunch of my friends behind the microphone and doing a live performance of my own.

<Travis>: And you know what, Griffin?

<Justin>: That- That I have not yet done, so I would like to do it, ’cause I love having my friends around, and I’m really proud of them for being themselves.

<Travis>: I would also like to be part of a record label with some of my best friends, like a solo career, and I would make music just like their music, only with a different title. Like, I would call it The One. And that would be like, that’s my solo career.

<Justin> How about a yahoo?

<Travis>: Well, how about I just make a Yahoo?

<Justin>: Uh, no, just some quick edits. Uh, this one was sent in to Usenet group Usenet News, where I am the editor…

<Travis>: Oh okay.

<Justin>: — of Usenet News, which is a news group that I edit.

<Griffin>: Okay.

<Justin>: This Yahoo was sent in by Nick P.

<Travis>: Wait.

<Justin>: It’s… uh… uh… it’s a Yahoo Answers user named Nick P. uh, who asks…

<Travis>: Oh, okay.

<Justin>: Uh, “Does it help to wash your hands if you put them right under the mirror and then wipe them?”

<Travis and Griffin>: [unintelligible gasps]

<Justin>: Which was… I don’t want to get too technical with this, ‘cause we’re done.

<Travis>: But, I do want to bring this up. This is a Yahoo answer.

<Griffin>: Oh, okay.

<Justin>: Here—oh.

<Travis>: Okay.

<Griffin>: Yeah.

<Justin>: I’m not gonna say it again.

<Griffin>: It really was a long time ago.

<Justin>: I didn’t—I wanted to say it was a long time ago; I didn’t wanna—I don’t want to get all miffed out, but the answer was, “No.”

<Travis>: Now, this is a really good—

<Griffin>: The best answer by far.

<Travis>: This user asks, “How to do a good job of washing your hands if you wash them with the mirror?”

<Justin>: “I got a camera in my phone so I try to wash my hands as much as I can in the mirror. I think it’s super important to have a good hand-washing routine.” Okay, hold on, I wanna give you this first one, so that’s okay.

<Travis>: What if it was just water?

<Justin>: What if it was water?

<Griffin>: What if it was water, but you took a picture, and then it showed you the reflection of your hand, and then you washed your hands in that picture, because they’re all the same color?

<Travis>: Mm-hmm.

<Griffin>: Mmm, that’s pretty good, huh?

<Travis>: That’s also actually pretty good.

<Justin>: And that’s how you get to that mirror, by the way. Which is probably the best way to wash your hands.

<Travis>: If your kids have a camera, that’s also a good way.

<Griffin>: Yeah, if you’re not washing your hands by the way, but you’re in the bathroom, and you’re like, “Oh, there’s a good, dry spot, like, in the corner…” And you’re like, “Oh no, can you… please,” and then you see the water in the bathroom, you see the water in the mirror, what’s that? It’s the reflection of your hand.

<Travis>: Here’s the thing: You may want to do this once a month. This is a one-time, you don’t have to do this every day. I’m telling you, just once a month, put a few pieces of paper down, and wipe your hands with that paper.

<Griffin>: Mm.

<Justin>: The mirror is not just going to take a picture of you while you’re washing your hands, they’re going to see the picture of your hands, and you’re also going to see a picture of the reflection of your hand. And they’re going to see the reflection of the mirror, and they’re going to see the reflection of you, and they think that you’re going to fall for that.

<Griffin>: Mm.

<Justin>: Now, you’re not. You’re in no danger of falling for that, because you’re wearing, you know, a bathrobe, and you’re going to, and they will see the reflection of your hand in a mirror.

<Griffin>: Yeah.

<Justin>: So you don’t fall for that.

<Griffin>: I’d like to know what a shower head is, because people say it is important.

<Justin>: Yeah.

<Travis>: [Laughs]

<Griffin>: But, yeah, we have to know.

<Justin>: We’ve got to know.

<Griffin>: We’ll tell you in the episode.

<Justin>: I’m telling you right now, we’ll send you an email after the show if I’m ever in a shower again.

<Travis>: You know, Justin, I had to go to a shower without ever using the shower as my bathroom for the past eight hours now. I’ve literally been in a bathroom in a movie theater, and for eight hours.

<Griffin>: Yes!

<Travis>: So… I’ve been so thirsty.

<Griffin>: I’m so thirsty right now.

<Travis>: I just have a few more minutes.

<Justin>: You can do that.

<Griffin>: So, I’ll do the first thing. So, you wanna say what’s up?

<Travis>: You’re doing it wrong!

<Griffin>: [Sighs]

<Travis>: I’m here to tell you.

<Griffin>: So, what’s in a shower head?

<Travis>: A shower head, if you’re the person who uses it, is just a really heavy, very heavy metal that comes out of the, the, like, the top of the head.

<Justin>: Can you imagine a guy who used the shower head to pour a cup of coffee from across the room and it was—

<Griffin>: [laughs]

<Justin>: —he hadn’t finished, and then, like, threw the coffee all the way up in the air and then it flew back down down the long, long shaft, and then it hit the ground and bounced and bounced and bounced.

<Griffin>: Yeah, that’s pretty much how it happened to me in a different shower.

<Travis>: [laughs]

<Justin>: And like, you know how, like, the dude, like, goes, “Mm, no problem.” and the girl is like, “No, no, no.”

<Griffin>: “No,” you say. But then you get in there, and then the water, the water,’the water, the water’s in the middle of the floor and you’re just, like, putting the cup down and you’re like, “Oh, no.”

<Justin>: [laughs]

<Griffin>: “I‘ll get—I‘ll get out there, and then I‘ll just put this—I‘ll put this coffee down in case it’s a problem, and then, all of a sudden, everything’s fine, and there’s a new problem.

<Travis>: [laughs]

<Griffin>: “Uh, I just put it in the toilet,” and there’s a problem. Then it’s a problem!

<Justin>: “I‘ll get out there, though, and I‘ll just, I‘ll just dump this coffee in the sink!”

<Griffin>: “I‘ll put it in the sink, but I‘m gonna get out of here, and if I ever make eye contact with her, I‘ll just throw it all the way over and then there’s a problem.”

<Justin>: [laughs] “I‘ll just go to the bathroom.”

<Travis>: [laughs]

<Griffin>: Okay, I think we’ve thoroughly answered this one. Let’s do another Yahoo

<Justin>: Yeah, you know what?

<Travis>: What if we just did this one?

<Griffin>: What is this, a Yahoo?

<Travis>: No! This is a good Yahoo! It’s from Yahoo Answers user—

<Justin>: Uh-huh! [sighs] Uh, thank you!

<Travis>: —the name is Kory, who asks, “Is it safe to eat chicken at parties?”

<Griffin>: Oh, man.

<Travis>: “I’ve been invited to a chicken-eating party hosted by my boyfriend and some close friends. As I was preparing to make my way over to the party to attend, my boyfriend asked me a question about how it was safe to eat at the party. He said that I should just go along for a little while so that I wouldn’t be tempted to go too big. The answer to this question is, ‘Yes!'”

<Griffin>: So now it’s like a, it’s like a “If you can’t beat ’em, join them.” kind of thing.

<Travis>: Mm!

<Griffin>: I’m pretty sure that would be the worst possible, because—I mean, I’m not saying that this person’s boyfriend is fucking crazy, but like, I’m just saying I would—I would get really,really upset if they would do this. If I went to a party and I was like, “I’m gonna go inside, and then my boyfriend is gonna be like, ‘No, you must go inside!'” I would feel kinda like a bad person, because I would be like, “Please!” I’m not saying they’re a crazy person, but I would get really,really upset.

<Travis>: [crosstalk] “Please!”

<Griffin>: And also because of the, um, the fear of the unknown, you’re—it’s the fear of, like, “Well, you’re gonna hurt yourself, aren’t you?”

<Justin>: Yeah, but now we know what’s gonna happen.

<Travis>: That’s the first point of this question.

<Griffin>: Yeah.

<Justin>: That’s the first point of this question. “Yes, it should be safe to eat at a party.” [laughs] “And no, I’m not kidding about no going inside. No.”

<Travis>: It makes me wonder, as someone who’s had to—I got a party at my house where I went inside, and I got in the kitchen and there was a bunch of other people. And then I was like, “Oh, my God. Oh,my God.”

<Justin>: [laughs] “My God, I’m so sorry. Uh, could you take this thing back to the door?””No, thank you.”And so it’s like a, “Please.” The second it comes out, it’s like, “No.” But the-there’s no way out. But it’s a good point. And it kinda reminds me of a few other questions we’ve had on the show, which is that it is OK for one person to walk in and eat all the chicken, and then everyone else will think you did it. And if- if everybody thinks you did it, then, I guess we’re just not good at explaining it.

<Travis>: Yeah.

<Griffin>: And I don’t think like, with this, I don’t think anyone’s gonna give us, like, a simple, “Just say in a calm voice ‘no’.” Like, we don’t need to be like, “Just say you’re not going to eat the chicken.'” It’s, like, we can say, “That’s fine.”

<Justin>: [laughs]

<Griffin>: We don’t need to say that. We can just say, “No.” And then everyone else will think you didn’t say that.

<Travis>: You just have to go in a certain way, and be like-

<Justin>: [laughs]

<Griffin>: “You’re joking.”

<Travis>: “I’ve heard him before. It’s a famous comedian.”

<Griffin>: And then, I guess it’s the like, a joke-

<Travis>: [laughs]

<Griffin>: The funny joke-

<Travis>: [laughs]

<Justin>: [laughs]

<Griffin>: The funny joke is that you’re not eating it…

<Travis>: [laughs]

<Griffin>: … but it is, okay.

[All laugh]

<Travis>: I think that’s a pretty good answer.

<Griffin>: You have to answer that question, though, I think, on your, like, podcast at like 10am in October.

<Travis>: This is it! We’re just at the last possible second.

<Justin>: I have a question for you. Does that make sense?

<Travis>: Now, here’s my question. Do you know that, in the United States, people can’t eat chocolate? You have to eat it.

<Justin>: I— okay.

<Travis>: It’s like, you can’t eat it at McDonald’s. You don’t— no way is it legal to eat at McDonald’s.

<Griffin>: hmm.

<Travis>: It’s illegal to eat it at McDonalds! Like, it’s not legal. ‘Cause if you— a McDonald’s…

<Justin>: Right, that’s the law. So, like, can you have one at McDonald’s, with your kids? I mean like, ’cause it’s weird that all of the different flavors are banned.

<Griffin>: You wanna see what I’m talking about, Justin?

<Justin>: Um, we talked about this very subject, but I think it’s— you gotta get inside the McDonald’s— that’s where the food comes from. Um, the only thing they have, and you should really go down and try this, is, like, just sit around at a table, ’cause everybody’s gonna get bored of it by the time they get home [laughing] and if you stand around that entire time eating— it’s gonna get stale. You’re just gonna get bored of it. So go sit down and enjoy it. Um, and get like, a Big Mac, and they— you know, that extra little bit of everything, like, maybe another Big Mac.

<Griffin>: Also, I mean, it’s hard to— you have to do all these things to like, get— it’s hard to have, like, a good time with this at home.

<Justin>: [talking over Griffin] You know what, Travis? Yeah, sure. Sure, I get it.

<Griffin>: I don’t know why you can’t just sit at a table, and just enjoy the food, like, it’s weird.

<Justin>: And you have to, like, try it, and you’ll love it.

<Griffin>: It’s weird.

<Audience>: [laughs]

<Justin>: Yeah, right? Just get over there to enjoy it, you know?

<Travis>: It’s fine, Justin! It’s weird!

<Justin>: Well, this was an interesting question, Travis.

<Audience Member>: Uh-huh!

<Justin>: Yeah, it was. Thank you. I would like to ask you guys this audience question.[audience cheers]

<Justin>: I’m glad you had an opportunity to do that, because… it’s a really good question. It— okay, so you’re saying—

<Griffin>: [talking over Justin] That’s it? What I meant…

<Justin>: [continuing, more excited] Oh. That’s it?

<Griffin>: Yeah, fuck yeah!

<Justin>: Yes. Yes, yes. It’s the only way. The question-asker is the—

<Travis>: Yeah, I was about to say, you are at the McDonald’s restaurant, I am the question asker.

<Justin>: [crosstalk] Yeah.

<Travis>: I am, exactly, at the McDonald’s restaurant, trying to eat the meaty goodness of the McDonald’s menu, which is beef…

<Griffin>: [laughing]

<Travis>: …burger.

<Griffin>: And you’re taking a bunch of shit, and you don’t like it.

<Justin>: But it’s not your fault, Travis.

<Griffin>: Yeah!

<Travis>: I know!

<Justin>: I wanna— I wanna give you the benefit of the doubt, and not get upset—

<Travis>: And what? I love McDonald’s!

<Justin>: [crosstalk] But if you eat at McDonald’s, and you think that some beef was served up out on the fucking menu?

<Griffin>: Yeah, definitely. Are we done with this bit? Like, can we just be done with it?

<Travis>: We’ve got time for one more Yahoo.

<Griffin>: The one was sent in by Michael. Thank you, Michael. It’s ananonymous Yahoo. It’s Yahoo Answers user… no, I’ll call him…

<Justin>: Michael.

<Travis>: The Question-Answers user… no, Michael?

<Justin>: Michael.

<Griffin>: Michael.

<Justin>: Michael. He asks… I should probably call him… The Question-Answers User…

<Travis>: Oh, okay.

<Griffin>: The Question-Answers User asks: “How do I get a job as a bus driver for a local bus station?”

<Travis>: Oh, shit!

<Griffin>: This is some real shit.

<Travis>: What the fuck! What the fuck!

<Justin>: How do I get a job as a bus driver for a local bus station?

<Griffin>: Here’s what we know so far. One, they can’t just hire a bunch of kids. Two, no one has ever applied for bus driver jobs. That’s how it works. Three, one of the bus stations doesn’t have a bus. There’s no buses in here. And four, there’s only a handful of bus stations in the country.

<Justin>: What a shitty place.

<Griffin>: There’s only a handful of bus stations, and they are all in the South, and that’s a fuckin’ wasteland.

<Justin>: This is a shitty bus station.

<Griffin>: Okay. Here’s the thing. I’m a bus— I’m a bus driver for the first time? Fuck!

<Justin>: You’re the first. [Griffin laughs] You fucking—

<Travis>: What the fuck?!

<Justin>: You fuckin’ asshole! Are you fucking kidding?

<Griffin>: I’m the bus driver. I don’t know how to— I don’t— I don’t know how to say this to my mom, but I’m the bus driver for the first time. That’s all I know.

<Travis>: And here’s the thing—

<Justin>: I don’t know how to say this to my mom.

<Travis>: And here’s the thing, because I know you’re a bus driver, you have to be able to, uhm… I don’t know how to put this… How do you say this to your mom, but you know how to get hired as a bus driver? You make your mom cry.

<Griffin>: [crosstalk]

<Travis>: She’s got tears streaming down her face, and you’re like, “Did you know that I’m a bus driver, I’m a bus driver for the first time? And I’m a bus driver for the first time, and I can’t breathe” and you’re like, ‘You’re right!'”

<Griffin>: This is the thing, Travis, is that you’re like, “I’m a bus driver, and I’m doing this because I want to.” And you’re like, “Well, what about you?” And she’s like, “I don’t know, I’m a bus driver too.”

<Travis>: [laughs]

<Justin>: [laughs]

<Griffin>: And I’m not saying that, I’m not saying that the bus, you know, you have to live in the bus. Which is just a weird fucking concept of a bus, but, I’m also saying that in this moment, you would be on the subway. And you would be, like, I don’t know, it’s a lot more- you know, a lot more of a burden, you know, that you’re sort of forced to take on.

<Travis>: [laughs] It’s not, you’re not going to do a bus job, you’re not going to do, like, a house job. You’re not going to do a house job.

<Justin>: I do wish you would give me that one!

<Griffin>: [laughs]

<Justin>: [laughs]

<Griffin>: Hey, how about something a little more practical?

<Justin>: [laughs] That’s a good one!

<Griffin>: Is it a house job? No, that’s a different thing.

<Travis>: If I had to do a house job, I would rent it from this.

<Griffin>: Yeah, I would rent it from this person.

<Travis>: And then I would- and I would keep paying the rent.

<Justin>: [laughs]

<Griffin>: Yeah, that’s a good-

<Justin>: If you- if you rent from this person, and you go out for dinner, and you know that it’s the last night of your contract, you go to get something, like a drink, you’re walking out, and this person-

<Griffin>: [interrupting] There’s not gonna be a-

<Justin>: There’s gonna be a meal, and you’re gonna walk into the room-

<Travis>: [interrupting] Do you want a- do you want a…

<Justin>: Yeah, it’s gonna be- but you’ll know the last night of your contract is when you walk out the door, and then you walk out the door, and you’re like, “Oh, fuck.”

<Griffin>: [laughing]

<Travis>: Yeah, you walk out of the room, and you’re like, “Oh-oh, shit!”

<Griffin>: Yeah, so it’s a way – it’s a way more-

<Travis>: You’re not paying, you’re just making the other person pay for what they’re doing.

<Griffin>: Yeah, you’re not paying the other person for what you’re doing, what they’re doing is paying you to go do stuff that you want to do.

<Travis>: Yeah, you’re not paying the person like, “Why aren’t you paying me to do things?”

<Griffin>: You’re paying them, they’re like, “Yes, thank you, I- I don’t want to.”

<Justin>: “But do you want some party chicken?” [laughs]

<Griffin>: “Is that a thing you eat?”

<Justin>: “I’d like a sandwich, or something, but I don’t want to pay.”

<Griffin>: “Can I have your sandwich?”

<Travis>: “Can I talk to you in the- the back, for twenty bucks?”

<Justin>: “No, sorry.”

<Travis>: “Can I have a sandwich in the… in the back of the car?”

<Griffin>: “Can I talk to you in the back of the car? No, sorry.”

<Travis>: “Please don’t talk to me in the back of the car.”

<Justin>: Yeah. [laughing] You are paying the same contract so you need the bus job.

<Travis>: You know what, I think we should start the podcast with a video of the bus.

<Justin>: [laughs] It’s a good bus. It’s a good bus.

<Travis>: That’s a good bus.

<Griffin>: A lot of people don’t like buses.

<Justin>: I don’t like buses.

<Travis>: And the bus doesn’t want you to be on it.

<Griffin>: If the bus is a bus, then I think the people who don’t like it ought to be kicked off the bus.

<Travis>: No, you’re allowed to— you know what, I don’t want to get into any bus company bickering, um, but I am concerned about you. If you want a bus, and you are thinking about going to ride that bus, and you don’t want to drive it, that’s your choice. I don’t think you should be forced— you should be able to choose not to drive.

<Justin>: I would like a private bus. I would like a private bus, for less than what the bus company’s going to give you.

<Griffin>: You’re going to be in the seat, and it’s yours. [laughing]

<Justin>: It’s yours!

<Griffin>: I want it to be.

<Justin>: That’s so far away. That’s so far away that I don’t think I could even think about it.

<Travis>: I think the main problem with buses is that they’re a car.

<Justin>: Right.

<Travis>: If you’re not driving with a bus on a regular schedule, you’re going to have to learn to drive.

<Justin>: Yeah, that’s true.

<Griffin>: It’s a car, and you can’t have a car on a regular schedule.

<Travis>: Yes.

<Griffin>: No!

<Travis>: Yeah, you can’t have a car on a regular schedule.

<Griffin>: Oh shit. No!

<Travis>: That’s good.

<Griffin>: If I ever got a car with the wheels on the outside, I am not going to like that.

<Justin>: And thank you to John Roderick and The Long Winters for the use of our theme song, “It’s a Departure” off the album Putting the Days to Bed. It’s so good. You can find it on iTunes. It’s great, it’s got the lyrics, and we’ll get to it on the show, but you can find links to iTunes, so just go to MaximumFun.org, click on the show, use the coupon code “mbmbam”, that’s MBMBaM at checkout, all one word. We’ll get those links handy in a moment.

<Travis>: And also thank you to, of course, Squarespace. Thank you Squarespace, it’s such a great tool to have!

<Griffin>: Oh, they have a cool new tool called “theme.css”—

<Travis>: Yeah, ‘cause they didn’t have it at the beginning, so I had to add it in.

<Griffin>: That’s cool, yeah. And also, if you haven’t yet, go check out our friend over at, uh… The Mohawk.

<Travis>: And we’ve featured it in previous podcasts, so let’s keep it that way!

<Griffin>: Yeah, we’re gonna keep that going. And you can check it out at mohawker.com, it’s a cool name. Uh…

<Justin>: Now, you know we’re not done, right?

<Griffin>: Yeah, we’re not done.

<Justin>: You don’t want to say these things, don’t you?

<Griffin>: Nope.

<Travis>: I have some good news, though.

<Griffin>: Yes.

<Travis>: We’ve got time for one final Yahoo. It’s from uh, Yahoo answers user um, Jigol, who asks, “Where are the best and worst places to do a bikram Yoga?”

[all laugh]

<Justin>: My name’s Justin McElroy.

<Travis>: I’m Travis McElroy.

<Griffin>: I’m Griffin McElroy.

<Justin>: This has been My Brother, My Brother and Me. Kiss your dad square on the lips.

MBMBaM: Illegal McDonalds (AI Script)
Tags:

1 Comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *